Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
