Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
