Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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