the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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