I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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