Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
