So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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