The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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