I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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