Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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