Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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