She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
