you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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