Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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