the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
