If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
