your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
