one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize