Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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