you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
