Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
