I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
