You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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