You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
