i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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