what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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