Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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