what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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