sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
