Say something about gay babies.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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