I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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