One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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