Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
