I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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