sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
