I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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