My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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