nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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