dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
