lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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