i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
