You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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