everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
