I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
