if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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