I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
