ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My ATM looks so different sober.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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