made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He has the fingertips of a God
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