I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
