I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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