What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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