a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
