shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
