I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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