Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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