I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize