you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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