if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
