I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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