Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
