I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize