I think I won the penis lottery.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
do nipples grow back?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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