I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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