I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
