He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
