Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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