So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
