Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
