I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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