I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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