My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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